Wanderlost

I feel incredibly disconnected, like I don’t belong here. My mind and my soul are at one with this earth, but not with this society, this generation. It’s an uncomfortable feeling; a near-constant stir in the bottom of my stomach that catches me every time I start to feel at ease. I’m not like these people, and there’s not a single part of me that wants to be.

We live in a civilization where it matters more how you look, what you earn and the things you own rather than the mark you make, the places you travel and the quality of your soul. I cannot empathise with a society that supports this selfish materialism. I see people lying and cheating, people abandoning their own flesh and blood, I see people ruling over animals with malice and drunken power. I see all of this evil and confusion and it makes that feeling in my stomach intensify; grow, tighten. Surely I cannot be of the same species as these humans, they are something completely different. But we are all the same, together we are mankind; selfish, broken, messed up as we are. We are all the same children, some lost along the way.

I am blessed with a strong spirit, a wild flame; impossible to confine into the everyday restrictions of school, work and laws. I’m a wanderer, a leather tramp. I have found myself lost at dusk on too many occasions, completely absorbed in my minds own commentary that I have strayed from the path.  I have swum in freezing creeks, blindly navigating through a jungle of underwater logs. I have raced up mountains to catch the last glimpse of a disappearing sun. I have held onto the sand on the bottom of the sea, desperate to float for one last moment before bursting back into the blinding light of reality. It is in those fleeting instants that I feel that maybe there’s something more out there. That maybe I am meant for more than the person I allow myself to be. It is because of this tendency to wander that I worry one day I will disappear completely. There is nothing more overwhelmingly terrifying, nor entirely liberating than that thought; to take off completely, with no ties to any person, or object or place. Where would I go, and who would I be? It would not matter because I would be raw and free, just like I’ve always dreamed.  

It may have taken hours of writing to find these words, and it may have taken writing these words to make me realise, but I don’t need to find myself, nor define myself. I know who I am, I am strong and I am free. The person I am is enough. I will find where I belong, but until blessed with this day, I belong here.